“Hani!” My members yelled from the foyer of our house, “you have mail come pick it up!”
“Hwang Hani,” one of them yelled again.
“What!” I yelled back irritatedly.
“You have mail come down!”
“Coming,” I responded irritatedly. I quickly ran down the stairs.
“Where is it?” I asked, slightly out of breath. My members point to the dining table. There sat a white rectangular envelope about 12 inches long and 9 inches wide. It read Hwang Hani and then our house’s address. It must be more fan mail. We receive an ample amount of it. The fans just love me too much. Out of the four members, I am the most popular. As I was about to toss the letter in the trash, the return address caught my eye. It read 3487 BINNING ROAD 309, Vancouver, British Columbia. Vancouver, I whispered under my breath, I looked at the envelope to see if there was anything else it said, and that’s when her name caught my eye. How could she have the audacity to even send me something? It’s been one year, four months, and sixteen days since we last talked. Unbelievable really. Anger boiled inside of me. I felt the envelope crumple a little as I made my hands into tight fists. I walked over to the trash to throw it away but something inside of me resisted; I wanted to open it. I tossed the letter on the table and walked over to the living room to say goodbye to my members; before they would go back home to visit their families for a couple days. The three of them were huddled in the living room double checking they had packed everything before their flights. I went to Lei first. Lei was the youngest among all four of us, he is like a younger brother to me.
“Bye Lei,” I say to him as I give him a big tight hug.
“Tell your mom I said hi, and that I miss her!”
“Haha of course I will; you know you’re like her favorite out of all four of us.”
“Really?” I said shockingly. He chuckled and continued to check his bags. Next, I went to Kai, he was the oldest among us four and was the leader of our group.
“Bye Kai,” I say shyly as I give him a big hug.
“Bye Hani, don’t burn the place down please I beg of you.”
“Hey, no promises,” I told him, he gave me an ugly look and I just laughed at him.
“Hey, Hani where’s my hug!” Lucas protested. Lucas the second youngest out of the four of us. “Coming,” I say in a sing-song voice,
“I could never forget about you! Come here,” I told him.
“Bye Lucas,” I said as I tightly hugged him.
“Tell your parents I said hi!”
“Of course don’t worry!” He responded. As I finished saying goodbye to all of them they were all packed and ready to leave. I escorted each of them to their cars, Lucas and Lei were the first to leave.
As I escorted Kai to his car I felt a tug on my sleeve. “Hani will you be okay alone? I know you hate this every year.”
“Don’t worry Kai,” I responded,
“I know a lot of unwanted things have happened to me but don’t worry I will be okay, I promise.” “Okay,” Kai responded shakily.
“But if you feel like you can’t handle it you are always welcome to come to my place. I am only a few hours away after all.”
Before Kai could say anymore I gave him a tight hug once again and left. He was always there for me. All the boys were. They were my family, we had been a band for almost 6 years now. All of us have gone through hell and back. We were even closer than family and nothing could change that. Silence fell over the house. I let out a big sigh and walked over to the dining table to see what this stupid letter was about. As I picked up the crumpled envelope nervousness fell over me numbing all the anger I had suppressed. A thousand scenarios played out in my head. Shit.
—
I made my way to the bench outside, the weather was beautiful, the sun hitting my face at just the right angles. I untied my tight black braids; my medium black hair uncurled quickly, my head finally felt light again. I had just finished a five-hour surgery and was famished. I sat down and let out a big sigh. I grabbed my sandwich box and started to scarf one down. “Buz Buz” my phone went. I checked to see the notification. It was Lei, Kai, and Lucas, the three of them had posted pictures of them going back home. Cute I whispered to myself. As I scrolled through more of their pictures I couldn’t help but wonder how was he? I checked the time in Seoul it was currently 6:15 in the morning. I wonder if the letter had reached him yet, it had to. I did mail it out almost two weeks ago. Before I could get more lost in my thoughts my pager buzzed loudly. 911 it read. Shit. It was my trauma patient from last night. I dropped my sandwich and ran. I couldn’t lose another patient. As I was running, I quickly pulled up my wavy hair, and once again my head felt heavy. Fear fell over me as I sprinted through the halls. Shit. Come on Karina, get your act together. You can do this.
“Bring me the paddles! Now!” I yelled to my intern.
Come on, come on, I whispered to myself,
“Come on please live. Charge to 150!” I yell,
“Clear!” The shock went through. Nothing.
“Charge to 200!”
“Clear!” Nothing. Come on I whisper to myself frustratedly.
“Charge to 300!”
“Clear!” Nothing again.
“Doctor Karina you need to call it, he’s no more!” My attending yelled.
“No! I can’t give up, I can’t lose another patient not again!”
“ Charge to 350!” I yell.
“Clear!” Nothing again.
“Doctor, it’s time you call it.”
No, no, I whisper, tears dripping down my face. Slowly I dropped the paddles.
“Time of death 2:15pm.”
“It’s okay Doctor Karina, it happens, the patient himself came to us in an awful condition, there was nothing you could have done to save him and we all know that. I’ll talk to the family for you. Take some time off. You have been working non-stop these past two months and you really deserve the break.”
“Thank you,” I whispered shakily. My attending was a great mentor and person, I was inspired to become a great doctor like her but I didn’t deserve it. I could have saved him, but I wasn’t quick enough. I should have studied better. Why didn’t I? My hands trembled as I walked home, the sun was beginning to set and the dark night sky began taking over. The warm Vancouver weather began cooling. A chill wind flowed through the air, making my body shiver, I suddenly felt very cold. The trees became dark shadows, only being able to see the outlines of each one. The tears fell fast like a rainy day. I reached home checks stained like a tattoo, eyes tender and red. I slid my back against the plain white door, my aching body had finally collapsed, the hard wooden floor supported my tired body. I longed for his touch, for a tight hug, for the butterflies and the tingling excitement, my body longed for his touch. This wasn’t the first patient I lost, then why did I feel like this? I had only ever lost two patients but today it became three. I knew I wasn’t in the right state of mind but I needed him to fix this, to fix us, to fix me. I don’t know what I was doing, I had no plan in mind, I just knew that I was going to Seoul right now. I had my things packed and I was not leaving this airport. I was going to get on that flight.
—
I picked up the crumpled envelope, my hands began trembling like crazy, why was I so scared it’s not like there’s a bomb inside or anything. I began ripping the seam of the envelope. Shakily I pulled out a stack of papers with an endless amount of words and tear stains everywhere. I chuckled, did she really think she could make me less angry about what she did to me by writing me an essay. Stupid girl. I walked to the garbage can opening the metal lid. I stared inside at the empty black bin, I crumpled the papers to throw out but something inside of me resisted, what if it was an apology? Or what if she’s in trouble? A thousand scenarios began playing in my head, no matter how angry I was with her I still loved her. I let out a big sigh, fine you win I say to myself, I open the stack of crumpled papers and make my way to the rustic living room couch. As I settle down, nervousness falls over me, I hope she’s okay. I begin reading.
Hi Hani, it’s me, Karina. I hope you are doing well? I know we ended things very abruptly and it was not the way I wanted to end things but let’s just say I was helpless at the time. I want you to know that it was never my intention to hurt you but I had no option. There have been a lot of things on my mind for a while now and I wanted to share them with you. There is one thing I never told you about. I think it time I stop hiding the truth from you, but I want to begin on a high note before I tell you anything. Let me start off by telling you how crazy I felt the day I first met you. It was raining hard and I was the only girl on the streets of Seoul wandering the city without an umbrella. Everyone was laughing at me but I was just enjoying the city with my headphones in my ears and the warm rain making every step feel like I was in a music video. I was running home when I bumped into you, spilling my coffee all over your brand new white hoodie or I think it was brand new, and then knocking your umbrella out of your hand. We both were drenched head to toe. I let out a quiet laugh as I quickly apologized and handed you you’re knocked over umbrella. I still remember the shock and anger on your face. What a naive girl I was, not realizing that one interaction would turn into something big. I would have never dreamt of it. I had made it halfway home when I decided to turn back because I wanted to ask you if you wanted me to pay you for ruining your hoodie, but by the time I made it back you had left and there was no trace of you. If I am being honest I felt so crazy turning back, the aunties in the neighborhood thought I was lost because I was walking around in circles looking for a tall blond man, who was nowhere to be found.
I chuckled, I remember that day as if it had just happened yesterday. I recall begging Kai to turn the car back so I could get a better look at this crazy yet insanely beautiful girl. I still remember each and every detail of that night. Her medium black hair had begun waving since she was walking in the rain with no umbrella her clothes drenched. I wondered how she didn’t get sick, maybe she was immune to the rain. My favorite white hoodie had been stained a bright brown, if I am being honest I was a little angry about it. I wanted her to pay me back for it, but little did I know that she would be the one who would always steal my clothes. I let out a little laugh just thinking about that night made me realize how crazy I had been about Karina. I resumed reading.
You know Hani, maybe it was luck or fate but do you recall this day? It was I think August 2016, it was a scorching hot day and I had just got off of work, I was walking home when it suddenly started raining. The cold rain and hot sun was the perfect combination, the rain cooled down the hot day while the sun kept us warm from the cold rain. It was just my luck that I ran into you on the same road we first met! And to be honest I was so shocked that day when you asked me out! But now that I look back on it I was so grateful that you did.
I laughed that was not her luck, I went to that road every day waiting for her so that I could ask her out but she would never show, and I think it was just my luck that summery August day. She was seriously so clueless. She was right though, asking her out that day was shocking for me as well, I never made impulsive decisions but I don’t regret it. Maybe there was something in the rain that day but, that summer day in August was the day I asked Karina to be my girlfriend. I didn’t know much about her but all I knew was that I wanted this girl to be in my life.
You know over the two years watching you grow was such a beautiful journey that I was thankful to be part of and just watching your smile grow made me so happy. And to be able to be part of your life was such a blessing. I still find it crazy to think how different my life would have been if I didn’t take the offer to finish my last year of medical school out of the country, It’s crazy to think how far both of us came, although there are days I miss the warmth of your cuddles and soft kisses, I’ll be alright though. I have to be. I miss the comfort you gave me the day I lost my first ever patient. A drunken mess I laid on the floor of your bedroom, that was the very first time I had lost a patient, three bottles down I laid there on the floor unable to stop the tears. I still recollect the horrified look on your face seeing me like this. It had been almost 8 months since we had begun dating, but I could never unsee the scared look in your eyes, I remember how fast you spirited to my lifeless body holding me tightly as I cried in your arms. You held me tightly protecting me from all the demons I had faced. I miss that warmth and comfort these days. I recently lost a patient. That’s two people I couldn’t save because I didn’t study hard enough. But this time I didn’t become a drunken mess. I fought till my body gave up, but you weren’t there to hold me, you weren’t there…
I… I sat there blankly staring at the paper, the clock slowly ticking in the back. I hadn’t realized that I was crying, I never cried. The only time I cried was when my mom had passed away. Little things like this never hurt me then why was I crying. I felt helpless. I clenched my fist tightly that the edges of the paper began ripping. The tears slowly rolled down my check one by one. Oh Karina I whispered to myself, I didn’t know what to do. I picked up my phone, I wanted to call her, I wanted to tell her it was going to be okay, that I was still here for her. I clicked the number but I couldn’t bring myself to press call. I feared she wouldn’t pick up. My hands trembled, I couldn’t do it. I threw my phone on to the rustic couch I had been seated in. I was a coward.
—
I nervously shook my feet, what was I doing on this plane. What was I doing? The plane had taken off an hour ago so there was no turning back, I reassured myself. The plane smelt like old instant coffee and sweat, the dark interior made it hard to notice the signs on the walls, I had messaged my attending that I would be on leave for a little bit but I hoped I wouldn’t get fired for this. I was anxiously sitting in my seat. I picked at the skin around my nails hoping the pain and smell of my blood would distract me. I couldn’t bear it but to think of all the possibilities that this could all go wrong or what would happen when I would get to his house. I tightly clenched the black plastic guitar pick pendant in the palm of my hand. I would always clench it when I would feel nervous, it was a gift from Hani, it was the one thing I could never detach myself from. My body was exhausted but I couldn’t bring myself to close my eyes and rest, I was stuck here for another 11 hours. Another 11 anxious hours.
—
It had been almost two hours now I sat there staring at the words she wrote, I couldn’t bring myself to keep reading but I felt guilty, my hands trembled as I brought the paper to my eyes and I could feel my breathing become shaky.
Hani I think it’s time I tell you the truth about what happened the night I ended things.
What! I whispered, what did she mean by the truth. I felt my feet get cold, my throat suddenly dried up.
Hani the reason I left that night so abruptly was that your company found out about our relationship, and how we had been secretly dating for almost two years, against the company rules. The day before I broke up with you I met with your manager, he had given me two options. It was either to stay with you and have your company disband you, Kai, Lucas, and Lei. Or I leave you and everything I had established in Seoul and they don’t do anything to the band. I knew how long you had worked for this career. For this dream you had. I couldn’t shatter this dream of yours Hani. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I know you would have done the same if it was for me. I know you would have. I loved you and I just thought that for once I could give you more love because I knew you were born to give more love then you will ever receive, but I believed I could change that, I really believed I could change that, and make you the happiest man ever. I really believed. I had no choice but to leave you, and it broke my heart to say those cold heart-shattering words, to say that you didn’t mean anything to me anymore. Saying those heartless cruel words hurt me worse than getting stabbed. And I am so sorry Hani for all the pain I caused. I know you trusted me but I broke that trust. I am so sorry. I know I am sorry doesn’t even make up for half of the pain I caused but I was helpless Hani. I was helpless. I could never have it in my heart to forgive myself and I don’t want you to forgive me either, but I thought it was time you learned about us. And I want you to know that you still mean the world to me, and I will always support you, Lucas, Lai, and Kai no matter what. I will always be by your guy’s side like a quiet shadow. I will quietly watch the four of you grow and watch all of you achieve your dreams and wishes.
I love you to the moon and back Hani…
Best Wishes,
Karina.
I dropped the papers, anger bubbled inside of me. I had been angry with Karina this whole time for what. I clenched my hands into a tight fist, I wanted to break something. Nothing made sense. I started to feel a little light-headed, my body fell onto the rustic couch. Tears began rolling down my cheek, Karina I called out. Silence. I was the only one in the house, the clock quietly continued to tick in the background, I was so confused, I didn’t know what to do. I hugged my body as I quivered in shock. What was I supposed to do?
—
I anxiously shook my legs, even more, the plane just made it’s landing, it was slowly driving to the exit point when a loud manly voice began speaking on the intercom.
“Good morning ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking! Welcome to Seoul, South Korea. The time is currently 3:00 in the morning and the temperature is zero degrees. We hope you enjoyed your flight, and please fly with us again.”
As the captain finished his speech we had pulled in onto the exit, everyone began unbuckling their seats and grabbing their luggage. But I didn’t move, I was frozen in my seat. I had made it here but I had no plan, what was I going to say to him. No. No Karina you can’t back out now. No regrets, remember, no regrets. I began giving myself a slight pep talk hoping to calm my nerves. I was the last to get off the musty plane. The airport was strangely very lively at three in the morning, kids ran around with the tiny suitcases as their parents chased them angrily. And families and friends hugged each other as they said goodbye to their loved ones. The liveliness made me feel lonely. As I made my way to the exit of the airport the aroma of fresh baked goods lingered through the air, my stomach growled loudly. I was quite famished. I was too anxious to eat on the plane, and I had the urge to stop at the bakery but instead, I just hoped that things would go well so we could eat together. I finally made my way outside, I took a deep breath, the cool air felt refreshing for my lungs after 12 hours of the same musty, instant coffee smell. His house wasn’t far from the airport. I waved for a taxi. I gripped the handle of the orange taxi door, I took a deep breath and got in. I told the driver the address to the coffee shop near his house, that where I always got off, and then I would walk the rest. The driver had begun driving, I felt my feet get very cold. I clenched the black plastic guitar pick around my neck hoping it would distract me from the uneasiness I felt.
—
I paced back and forth around our rustic living room, I held the paper in my hand, reading and re-reading her words over and over again hoping that something would make sense to me. I wondered if Lai, Kai, and Lucas knew about this, I grabbed my phone and quickly called Kai. Pick up, pick up. I whispered.
“ Sorry the person you are trying to call is unavailable right now, please leave a message after the beep.” The automated voice goes off. “Ugh!” I yell and throw my phone across the room. What am I supposed to do? I can’t just call Karina, what am I supposed to say to her. I crouched down on the floor, I held my head between my arms, tears began rolling down my cheeks and onto the brown hardwood floor. I was angry. Angry at myself for having Karina deal with this all by herself, I couldn’t imagine the pain she had to go through. I sat their head between my arms when I heard a faint knock on the door. I got up confusedly, who could it be at this hour? I heard the knock again, this time slightly louder. I quickly grabbed the papers and made my way to the door.
—
The taxi dropped me off right in front of the cafe. I had been dropped in front of this cafe many times but I never got a chance to go inside. The cafe had a plain brown exterior, nothing as fancy as the other cafe here in Seoul. I began walking to his house, I had this road memorized. I knew it so well that I could even make it to his house with my eyes closed. It felt good to be back, it felt like home here. I noticed myself walking faster than usual, I don’t know what I was going to say to him but I just knew I couldn’t screw this up. I walked up to the porch of his house. The lights were turned off like usual, the darkness made it hard to see where everything was. I made my way up to the door. The blue door shined even in the darkness, the chrome handle shined with the blue door. I placed my hands against the door, it felt cool against my skin. I started with a quiet knock.
“ Knock knock.” then again but this time I made it a little louder.
“ Knock knock” I heard his footsteps come closer. I let out a big sigh. This was it.
—
I made my way towards the door, one hand held the papers while the other gripped the cool chrome handle. I unlocked the big blue door. It was her. It was Karina. But what was she doing here? What. I dropped the papers from my hand.
—
The door opened, it was him, Hani. He was standing in front of me, his eyes red as if he had been crying for hours, his hair no longer dyed blond, but black instead. I wanted to run up to him and hug him but instead, I stood there frozen.
—
“ Ka- Karina?” I stuttered.
“ Hi Hanni, I don’t really know what I am doing here, this was kind of an impulse decision and you know what I think I- I should go.”
It was her, Karina. The girl who sacrificed everything for me, she was standing in front of me. Her hair was longer now and her eyes looked as if she had cried for days, she hadn’t changed a bit. The necklace I gave her hung from her neck like a prized possession.
—
I turned to leave this was a mistake, I shouldn’t be here. I turned to leave, I turned and suddenly felt a jerk, I was being pulled in. I felt Hani’s grip get tight and he pulled me in.
—
Before she could leave I grabbed her arm and pulled her in, shutting the door behind.
“ Don’t go”, I whisper
“ You don’t know how much I missed you” I brush her hair out of her face.
“ I am so sorry Karina, I am so sorry I had been so angry at you, I am so sorry I wasn’t there to help you.”
“ No Hani, it is my fault,” she says shakily. Tears begin rolling down her face, I wipe down each one.
“ No No I reassure her, I tightly hug her and stroke her hair.
“ It’s okay now let’s fix this together, we will think of something together okay I promise, I am here for you now.” I continue to stroke her hair.
—
I felt the warmth of his body around me, he stroked my hair as I cried in his arms. We were going to fix this I knew we were. I felt all the world’s weight come off my shoulders, I felt free. I finally felt at home.
—
I hugged her tightly, I wanted to protect her from all the demons she had to face by herself. I cupped her face in the palms of my hands. I wiped off the tears from her cheek. I looked at her, she was finally home. I leaned in and gently pressed my lips against hers. I felt her grip my shirt tightly. She was mine again and this time I wasn’t going to let her go, I was going to fight for her until my very last breath. I was going to fight for her because I was still madly in love with Karina.
—
He cupped my face, I felt his lips gently press against mine. I grabbed his shirt tightly, I could feel his happiness. He slowly began adding intensity to the kiss. My heartbeat fast and my body tingled with excitement. I was his again, I wasn’t going to leave him again, not again. This time I was going to fight for him, for our love because I love Hwang Hani more than anything.
We had found our way back to each other again.
We were both home.
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